A conversation on motherhood with Claire Sullivan - friend, collaborator and longtime muse. Images captured by Claires partner Rory Gardiner for Shrunk Store.
Do you feel comfortable with the identity of mother? Was the transition to motherhood difficult? In what ways?
The transition to becoming a mother was extremely challenging for me. It was something I had looked forward to my whole life; then I had a tricky baby and breastfeeding problems, and I really lost my confidence. I think this affected how I identify as a mother, and I tend to compare too much to others. These days, I sit a little more comfortably in the mum hat... I also literally have a big, wide-brim, dorky mum hat now so it’s all coming together.
Do you think and read about parenting or do you just do it?
I’m quite jealous of people who have a natural intuition for parenting. I feel quite out of touch with my intuition. As a result, I rely quite heavily on external sources. I have read many parenting books and listen to tons of parenting podcasts. As a result, I think I’m quite a reflective parent if not intuitive.
Do you manage to fit in self care and fitness? How and when?
At the moment, I have a nine-month-old who rarely naps, and if he does, it’s often on me, so I don’t fit in any real exercise apart from walking with him. It’s something that I know is so important for me though. Right now, I actually have an eye twitch, I’m that tired and empty. But it is a season. I do try to have a lot of downtime with the baby and not make too many plans. A quiet cup of tea and toast make a big difference to my mental equilibrium.
Do you have any parenting cheats/hacks?
I have hacks for fiery children who want to break your spirit. When my daughter was about 18 months old, getting her to do anything was a real war. I ended up dressing her in comfy clothes after her bedtime bath, which she could wear the next day to avoid having to get dressed for childcare. I also cut my daughter’s (beautiful long) hair into a short bob - no battles over ponytails. I cut her nails while she watches an episode or when she’s asleep- same with ointments etc!
What has been the most challenging parenting/pregnancy/birth phase for you?
I got extremely lucky with pregnancy and birth; it’s the ongoing parenting bit that I find hard.
Do you have help from family? What type of help?
I do have a lot of help from my in-laws, which makes a big difference. My mother in law has my eldest one day a week. I realise what a privilege that is. My mum lives down the coast now, so I do miss having her around as much, but I know I can’t complain. We hear platitudes about needing a village all the time but I really do believe that parenting in this nuclear family model is absolutely broken. I feel the squeeze!
How have your friendships changed if at all?
I think that it’s been hard for me to be a good friend or the friend I want to be, particularly to my friends without kids, which upsets me. I miss the flexibility. It’s so hard to work around kids: if the kids are there when we catch up, they take up so much attention; if I don’t bring them, the snippets of time can feel meagre. So I’ve got to work on this because my friendships mean a lot to me. Also things change - I’ll be out of the small child phase in a heartbeat. My perspective on time has expanded (or contracted?).
How has your relationship to your body changed?
I feel ambivalence towards my post baby body. On the one hand, I now see that my body is more than the sum of its parts. I find pregnancy and breastfeeding truly amazing. On the other hand, I grieve my bod of yesteryear. Having kids has brought up complicated feelings about ageing, but also much-needed perspective.
