A conversation on motherhood with Haylee Collins - a mother, writer, marketer, publisher and founder of HOWL magazine - featuring artwork, interviews and stories that capture the complexities of creative motherhood. HOWL Issue 03 . Chapter I is now available (and I highly recommend!).
Do you feel comfortable with the identity of mother? Was the transition to motherhood difficult? In what ways?
Being a mother came so naturally but, four years in, I’m still grappling with the identity politics of motherhood. After my son was born, I found there were such limited and one-dimensional portrayals of mothering in media, literature and culture. I couldn’t see myself represented in the examples around me; I’m not a natural or enthusiastic homemaker, which is something I suppose I envisioned myself transforming into once I had enough of a reason. It didn’t happen. I’d always been pretty career focussed, and I didn’t expect that to change. But it did. I was used to having time and space for reading, learning, thinking and introspection, which became less and less feasible as we exited the baby stage and headed into the toddler years.
All of this is to say that my matrescence was more difficult than I anticipated. I spent the first couple of years trying to wear those multiple selves all at once – which led to a period of maternal rage I had to learn how to manage and grow from.
Woven through all of this was a creative reawakening sparked by the time spent mothering my little boy and the absolute tumult of emotion that experience entails. I’ve learnt now what to make extra space for in order to honour those other aspects of my identity alongside mothering.
Do you think and read about parenting or do you just do it?
I read and research, take in new information and adapt my methods accordingly. As is the case for many of us, my parents did the best they could with the information and resources available to them. But we all carry emotional baggage, and if I were to ‘just do’ parenting without any further interrogation I’d be repeating some of their mistakes unthinkingly and passing that emotional baggage onto my child. This became apparent when I was grappling with maternal rage as an instinctive response to feeling out of control as a parent. I had to learn tools for managing those emotions in myself, as well as ways of repairing with my child if I upset him and set an example for him of how to engage respectfully during any sort of conflict – these weren’t things I knew how to do innately alongside the stressors of parenting, so constant self-education as a mother is deeply valuable to me.
Do you manage to fit in self care and fitness? How and when?
I go through periods of decent self-care, but generally I’m pretty awful at it. I’m easily absorbed in what I’m doing and often forget to feed myself, so routine and easily accessible meals are crucial. I’m unmotivated by structured exercise so need to get out in nature with my family when we can, try to walk to get where we need to go – like getting groceries or going to kinder – or we’ll have a loungeroom dance party or run around playing monsters at home. If I have time to myself, I’ll read or write, or if I’m not feeling focused or creative I’ll go thrifting. Oh! And slowly working through a backlog of health checks and niggles. Honestly, I put preventative healthcare on the backburner when youth was on my side. Now I’m in late-30s territory, so I’m trying to set myself up to have robust health going into middle age. It's entirely unglamourous but I hope future me will be thankful.
Do you have any parenting cheats/hacks?
I actually have the BEST parenting hack we only recently learned. If you find you’re often repeating yourself when trying to get your child’s attention and you feel tempted to raise your voice, whisper instead. Something about the pitch of a whisper can break through other noises and sights going on around them. It’s been a gamechanger for us.
What has been the most challenging parenting/pregnancy/birth phase for you?
The toddler years were the hardest for me, in grappling with my own issues around loss of control and identity. It’s something I feel sad about now, because I was so angry and overwhelmed but they were also such beautiful years full of the purest joy. I found and clarified so much of myself during that period. I hope that over time the magic of those years outweighs the negativity I associate with them.
Do you have help from family? What type of help?
We’re so lucky to have had help from family since our son was around a year old. My partner’s parents live very close and have helped a lot with childcare over the years. My dad and step-mum moved close to us a year and a half ago and help around their work either with childcare or taking our son on fun adventures. My mum and step-dad recently moved back to Melbourne from interstate and now mum does a kinder pick up every week to have time with him and help me with extra work hours. As our son is our only child it’s important to us that he have close relationships outside of our little family unit.
How have your friendships changed if at all?
In many ways I feel like a whittled down and truer version of myself as a mother and that’s reflected in my friendships. Many of the friendships I’d built through my earlier career have become Instagram friendships. Friends I had that didn’t align with my values, or where the friendships weren’t reciprocal, have become acquaintances. What’s left is a smaller number of deep friendships that transcend time and distance, and a number of newer friendships built around our children or shared values. As my son’s growing and I’m moving out of survival mode and finding parenting easier, I find I have more energy to reach out and proactively build friendships and it’s lovely to be doing that in a conscious and aligned way.
How has your relationship to your body changed?
Pre-pregnancy I was lucky not to have many hang-ups about my body, but I was also a bit mentally detached from it until we started the process of trying to conceive. However, I loved being pregnant and growing my son and felt very at home in and connected to body throughout pregnancy. I breastfed for two years and, while I loved having that connection with my son, during that time I didn’t entirely feel my body belonged to me. It was an instrument for someone else’s sustenance and comfort and that often meant de-prioritising my own comfort.
In the couple of years since weaning it’s felt like I’m pulling the pieces of myself back together very slowly, and they are forming a different shape to the one I was before. I’m accepting this – I’ve not rushed to return to my pre-pregnancy body. I’ve bought clothes to fit whatever size or shape I’ve been as a mum. But I also haven’t felt completely at home in myself yet. It’s like I can see this future version of myself just over the horizon and I haven’t quite reached her. It’s not about weight or shape, really. It’s about belonging to myself. And in the last few months I’ve finally begun to settle into my body again. Recognise myself. Reconnect with and take responsibility for and pride in this vessel. It’s a real privilege to be able to honour that process without putting pressure on myself.
Images by Alice Acton.
