A conversation on motherhood with Zoe Cuthberston - mother, writer of Dressed Down and woman behind Undressed Tablescapes - produce inspired catering and tablescapes.
I’m comfortable with it as part of my identity, but not my whole being. I came into it at a slight lull in my career, so I originally thought: maybe this could replace work as my true calling. It was absolutely not the case, right before I went on maternity leave I was offered my dream job — in addition to already running my dream business — and I quickly realised I wouldn’t feel fulfilled by one (work) or the other (motherhood) entirely. It might not the first title I’ll introduce myself as, but being Rafaela’s mum is my greatest accomplishment so far.
It was and it wasn’t. Of course I was warned ‘you’ll never sleep again’, ‘you’ll never have clean hair, or clean clothes again’. I said to my husband going in: that can’t be me... if I don’t have time to wash my hair, something’s gotta give.
In many ways you have no idea what to expect, being a first time parent, but I was pleasantly surprised. A self-confessed control freak in many other aspects of my life, I’ve been quite relaxed, and I’m proud of myself for that. I’ve also learned to ask for what I need, and to feel comfortable taking up space. That alone is a deeply liberating feeling as a woman.
I read a lot of books on birth, and in the end I was left feeling disappointed that it didn’t go according to how they said it should. (I had an emergency cesarean under general anaesthetic after three days of violent vomiting with shooting shoulder pains that rendered me unable to lie down without crying out in pain. Doctors thought it might be my appendix about to burst, but after an inconclusive MRI - I couldn’t hold my breath long enough on account of two partially collapsed lungs - they went in to remove both my appendix and my baby. The first person to hold her was a surgeon I’d met minutes earlier. My husband couldn’t be in the room with us. The quote ‘best day of my life’, turned out to be my worst. As it turned out, my appendix was fine, but I had contracted Enterovirus that was passed onto my darling girl, which developed into Meningitis and a stay in NICU. In a nutshell.)
What that horrific ordeal taught me was that there’s no textbook for life, you’ve just got to muddy your way through. Every experience is entirely unique. Also: group chats are your lifeline. Find your tribe and text them at all hours, somebody, somewhere will likely be awake!
At the moment, self care looks like spending time in the company of people who make me feel good. Tending to those relationships fills my cup up in a way no
facial ever good. That said, I do love a pilates session and I’ve recently discovered Korean skincare, which has transformed my pregnancy induced Melasma.
Something that helped me in the early days: instead of focusing on what you’ve lost (your sleep, your freedom), focus on everything you’ve gained.
The birth phase was incredibly difficult, as was my recovery. More so mentally than physically. Nothing prepares you for having a sick baby, I think it’s a ‘worse case scenario’ that you push to the back of your mind. Given the circumstances, I felt so much guilt and spiralled over the ‘what if’s’. I am incredibly grateful to the counselling service, Mums Matter for guiding me through this time. I’ve recommended it to a number of my friends, and I hope someone reading this finds it helpful too. As above, do not be afraid to ask for help.
I do, my wonderful Mum & Dad live in Melbourne and help by taking Rafi one day a week (except for when they’re on holidays, which is a lot — and good for them!) They care for her so beautifully, and are forever collecting little toys and things she might like. Seeing your parents become grandparents is so special. They have so much love and patience in them, still! Our childcare ‘family’ are lifesavers too.
They have changed, but I think this is natural with the ebbs and flows of life. I’ve also moved around a lot in my lifetime, so not all relationships survive long distance. After having a baby it’s pretty natural for your world to shrink even further. Right now I feel very close to a group of women I met through my local parents group. We talk almost daily, and not always about nappy rash and sleep schedules, thank GOD.
A multitude of ways. After birth, I felt let down by it. I was horrified by my new addition: a painful, deep purple scar above my pubic bone. With time, I’ve come to accept it. A vast majority of the women I know have the same scar, and I thought to myself the other day: that’s pretty cool, almost like we have matching friendship tattoos! Raf touches it when we’re sharing a bath and says ‘ouchie’, but I tell her I’m healed now. Ever since I was pregnant I liked to imagine that she could read my mind. It’s helped to shift the way I think about my body, and soften my internal dialogue. I want her to feel proud of her beautiful, strong, miracle of a body, so it’s important I feel the same.
